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Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

They got me!

Whoa. This one plays fast a loose with things like plot, continuity, and sense. It is in fact, horrible with no schlocky irony intended. It is just baaaaaad. Almost a waste of time, but not unwatchable. Which, I guess, means something. Because there are truly unwatchable movies, that even I have turned off in disgust or frustration.

There is some back story about a voodoo priest performing a silly ritual in the basement with a dancing over-bite drooling dead woman, a cancer research team that shoots the place up, then flees into the jungle. A little girl somehow escapes with the help of some talisman her mother gives her.

Then something else happens. A team of idiots venture into a jungle cave that is clearly a set of demonic activity, candles flicker on by themselves. Etc. They, of course, find book that emits a green light when it is opened. Clearly, this means that the book should be read aloud. A hole to hell appears and everyone gets munched. Which is fine, those three were highly annoying.

A boat filled with squishy muscle and toothless mercenaries zooms down a river. The blonde woman who is with them, clearly, is the little girl who somehow survived. She knows somethings for some reason – such as a room full of candles needs to stay lit, which it doesn’t.

Then the zombies are everywhere. Mostly flying through the air and dropping out of the rafters. The mercenaries last longer than they should really, being a bunch of terrible losers. There is something about zombies shooting guns at one point, maybe, too? I can’t remember.

The ending is silly and ultimately everyone gets eaten. Which is something of a relief considering how annoying and bad all the actors were in this movie. Its really bottom of the barrel zombie movie making here. In fact, the majority of the zombies do not even have to have makeup or masks on since they are covered in funeral scarves. Convenient for a no budget z-grade movie.

AVOID!

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ZOMBI 3

Wow.

Really. This one is something else. And by that I mean there is good and then there is “something else.” Its not unwatchable, nor does it defy sequential narrative. But that is about all it does not do, because it commits a lot of bad movie crimes – namely crimes against the impossible. Aside from the assumed suspensions of disbelief required for any horror movie, there are some things that are just impossible to disbelieve.

Important people, coming through!

For instance, the terrorist who steals the secret formula – Death One – first runs toward the get away van, thinks better of it, ignores the running helicopter to instead flee into the grass. He, literally, runs away from the police/army who are unable to shoot him. But they should not feel too bad, because the terrorist crook proves too hard to hit from a hovering helicopter as he runs very slowly along some trees.

Once the police do finally manage to hit him, they report back to HQ – “I think we got him, but he got away.”

Then there is the science versus military subplot. Who will be able to contain the outbreak best? The military who opt to shoot everyone in a certain area and then burn the bodies. OR the really stupid science guys who think they can still find a vaccine by staring a pieces of paper. The head of this think tank is a part that would have been played by Jeffery Combs if this had been an HP Lovecraft adaptation. He utters profoundly stupid dialogue like – “A contaminated man, of course, can infect other persons through breath, saliva, blood or any other body to body transmission.”

Why is there a blind dj named Blue Heart in this movie? Simply to play the track – “PEPPY SATAN!”

Of course, the infection turns everyone into decaying zombies in a matter of seconds and spreads so fast that entire villages are turned into creeps in a matter of minutes. Of course, this leads to problems for everyone in the movie. But luckily there are guns and ammo everywhere! Hurray!

Take for example the hotel where the terrorist hides out. He turns into a flesh eating monster and attacks some of the badly dubbed hotel cleaning staff. Then the army people show up and kill everyone. But in a matter of hours, after all this, when our heroes arrive at the abandoned hotel, it  is completely overgrown by vines. Maybe, it has been a few hours, but still, that is one aggressive ecosystem. That sort of scary nature could really help us out once global warming takes over the Earth.

Iggy Pop chased during bathtime

There is one great scene in Zombi 3. When Horny Army Dude and his potential girlfriend break down in the middle of that previously mentioned abandoned town, they end up getting chased around by a bunch of kung pow zombies in Chinese gentleman shoes. Girlfriend is thrown over the balcony into a swimming pool. Hero Man Army dives in after her, which was very dangerous and violated at least one of the major rules of pool etiquette, as he did not know the depth of the pool and risked serious injury. ANYWAY. After girlfriend loses both her legs, because, I guess, there was a shark in the water as well as zombies, Mr. Hero Army Action Man is chased by a group of bald headed water zombies! Who knew there were such things?

I should probably mention here something about the zombie birds that attack some motorists. Again, when the birds attack, peeling at some guy’s face, the effect is achieved with a hand puppet. Not very convincingly. I think there may have been a bird attack in the sexy party bus too, but really, who cares?

Meanwhile, back at the abanonded hotel, things are not going as well. There is a bitten nerd who is slowly groaning and moaning and turning into “one of those things!” Which seems to happen in every zombie movie, right? So some other stuff happens, then before you know it all the survivors are nailing balsa wood planks over the windows and doors and construct the single worst barricade in the history of fortress zombie movie barricades. It surprises no one when the zombies push through it. Luckily, one of the Action Army Guys has a flamethrower. Yeah. A flamethrower. Not as cool as it sounds. Sorry.

Once the horde breaks into the overgrown hotel, a lot of zombies climb into the rafters so they can drop down on our heroes. What ensues can best be described as stupid. Why? Because there is considerable time spent fist fighting zombies. Yes, you heard that right.

Bonk.

Meanwhile, back at the lab…Dr. Death One is really upset and concerned now, he just took his glasses off, again. The army is equipped with hazmat suits and sent into the region to kill everything that moves. Whether it is infected or not. Oh no, what about our HEROES?!!

Well, not only are they fighting the infected undead, but now they get to shoot at the white jumper suited soldiers. This leads to one really incomprehensible scene where the military confronts two of the Hero Action Army Dudes. Instead of just shooting them dead, they opt to fight them hand-to-hand. They lose. The good guys escape, blow up a bunch of stuff and get away in a helicopter.

I think, maybe, some other stuff happened? Oh yeah, there was a zombie baby birth that was kinda sweet. Even though the nurse got her face squeezed in before she is attacked by a zombie hand that pushes up through the baby bump. I can’t even really describe it. And come to think of it, the whole scene isn’t really that sweet at all.

All in all, I rather liked this one.

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crying blood effect is super creepy

This is so good. It has everything that a schlock horror movie should have! There are extreme death, disgusting situations, murder and madness, and a whole town rapt with hijinx!

The story is structured like a Stephen King novel – meaning that a group of ordinary people are introduced as templates for the oncoming evil. How that evil plops down into their pathetic everyday lives is meant to fill pages upon pages in the King novels and drive home the emotional impact of the terror. But in this movie it just gives an excuse for more actors to mutter silly dialogue and met horrible ends. Wait. That sounds a lot like a King novel too!

Take for instance the woman, Mary, who dies at the seance. She is the motor of the action. Or at least, the movie’s flimsy attempt to explain the silliness. Plus she sets up the graveyard scene, in which two lazy gravediggers leave her coffin half buried, so that the crusty cigar chomping  newspaper man, can rescue her with the pick axe. Mary screams as the axe drives through her coffin, stopping inches from her eye, teeth, and cheek. Terrible way to get rescued.

There is Bob, played with amazing physicality by Giovanni Radice, a creep who has a blow-up sex doll girlfriend, even though all the hotties in town seek him out to party. He gets a garage drill to his temple. Why? Because he is blamed for the murder of the make out kids in the car. The one who was bleeding from her eyes and then barfed up her whole intestines.

There are the guys in the bar. The three of them are used to illustrate how the unleashed horror effects the locals. First they don’t believe anything. The the now-you-see-them-now-you-don’t corpses attack and gut munch all of them right up.

There is Gerry and Sandra. Who’s relationship is strange. Are they doctor and patient? Are they lovers? Friends? Who cares. Gerry is the ultimate hero of the movie. And Sandra gets her head squished. Which brings me to a very strange point in the zombie canon. Fulci has decided that these undead, risen corpses, preferred method of consumption is a hand to the back of the skull, as the zombies fingers rip and crush open the skull, brain bits oozing and glooping as the victim is scalped. Great special effect, but very strange.

keep yer mouth shut!

Probably the best scene in the entire mess is the maggot storm. Four characters are attacked by a flurry of maggots for three to five minutes of screen time. The windows burst open and a huge wind fan blows chunks of foam or popcorn at the actors, as close-ups of patches of maggots squirm and burrow into the actor’s faces. When the scene ends, the room’s floor is, literally, carpeted in maggots. Its the most impressively disgusting thing in the movie by far. And that includes the wormy dead baby and the hanged priest’s zombie corpse speared to show his muddy, sloppy entrails.

While the story makes no sense. There are so many plot holes that to even start to mention them would take hours and probably give me a headache. It is one of the better zombie/ghost/gorefests out there, simply for its take no prisoners attitude and glee. Go see it.

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LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE is a great movie by any standards, but t is an especially strong entry in the undead-eating-human-flesh canon.

The government is testing sonic radiation as pest control in the sleepy English countryside. While it is amazing effecting at killing farm devouring insects, it also turns ants and new born babies super-aggressive. Oh and reanimates the recently dead. Not only do these sleeping corpses come back with awesome strength, crazy red eyes, a hunger for flesh blood, but they are also imbued with the really stupid ability to rise the dead by anointing other corpses with the spilled blood of their victims.

Or something.

That part is kinda dumb, I guess. Its a weak plot device to add “the contagion” element to the story, though it adds nothing to the urgency the heroes feel in trying to stop the three corpse horde. Really, the flesh munching and indestructibliness of the creatures should have been enough reason to race their cars around the country roads and yell into the fog! (As an aside, the only thing that stops these zombies is fire, which explodes them into a self-contained ball of flame, that leaves a charred corpse for the police to wonder over with stern frowns).

Lovelock plays the capitalist hippy-dip to the hilt. At times riffing like a prototype Johnny Rotten, while looking, uncannily, like a young Richard Branson, arrogance included. He is very mean to Cristina Galbo, who bears the brunt of the abuse with a very worried look most of the movie. Her bad red dyed hair does little to save her in the end.

Arthur Kennedy is a terrifically horrible cop who is more concerned with the social decay around him – and later revenge – to actually do any policing. His comeuppance felt tacked on and not at all satisfying.

First he is disgusted by the junkie wife of the murdered husband. Then he is disgusted by the long hair and faggot clothes of the London tourists, just passing through. He roughs up Lovelock in a truly hilarious exchange. He mocks and berates his underlings and assures that the glory will fall only on his example of moral certitude.

PLUS. Kennedy utters this sound bite – used by Pleasant Valley Children and Electric Wizard – that when I heard it made me jump up with excitement. It was like discovering a whole box of unopened, original Star Wars 1978  figures.

In short, this picture zips right along. The plodding elements have been kept moving – the set-up is impressive, the main characters are convinced fairly quickly, the trapped in the house siege is brief, the infected character’s transformation, the payout ending are all masterfully introduced and resolved in a straight and reasoned linear narrative.  Plus there is a drug addict, a baby punching nurses, flesh ripping and gut munching, an axe to the head, and a turtleneck sweater egghead who delivers a rant about satanism!

So, heck yes, watch this one!

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