Posts Tagged ‘Sword & Sandal’


+13 Magic Missile, AWAY!

First and foremost, Lucio Fulci’s CONQUEST is a cheaply made cashcow meant to feed on the ample grass that sprang up in the fertilizer spread by CLASH OF THE TITANS and the two naked chest CONAN movies.

Secondly, CONQUEST is a very strange mix of swords, sorcery, nudity, gore, and terrible plotting. Basically the story of how new weapon systems challenge the power dynamic of the old order of bone crushing, fear, and ritual magic (i.e. the naked boobies making the sun rise every day).

There are some surprising elements, like the small breasted constant nudity of Ocron, that insured that this movie would never reach the weekend cable market of afternoon and late night schlock. Not to mention the fact that the whole movie is filmed outside with no sets and bathed in a very distracting fog – while it helps make the absurdity of the dog head thugs more effective by hiding the obvious puppetry, the movie is very tiring to watch since the action happens behind a thin curtain of mist.

The violence has the inventiveness of the Fulci goremiesters, a rare treat for a sword & sandal movie. So, too, is the fact that the one of the main characters is beheaded near the end, which shifts the gears of the movie in a rather nihilistic way, especially after he had to endure the exploding baubles. The 1980s lazer arrows are worth it, but you can get those in the trailer.

A sample of the awesome dialogue follows – “When a man meets a man, you never know which one will die. But when an animal meets a man, it’s always the animal that dies. I’m on the animals’ side.” – Mace.

In short, this movie is pretty horrible. Though I might recommend it just for the snake god’s love making scenes. But should I, really? I shouldn’t.


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